


Maybe This Is All I Can Be

by cactuspunk (iktomi)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: ??? - Freeform, Depression, Gen, i guess?, in which asahi has no set goals and quietly freaks out about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-26
Updated: 2015-02-26
Packaged: 2018-03-15 07:55:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3439469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iktomi/pseuds/cactuspunk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been almost two months since graduation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe This Is All I Can Be

**Author's Note:**

> This is an experimental drabble to try to get myself back in the hang of writing,  
> so I apologize in advance if anything seems too out-of-character or obscure.

  It's been almost two months since graduation.

  
  Nothing much had changed.  
  Karasuno still held practices, though the ex-third years were rarely able to attend. Between preparing for college and maintaining summer jobs,  
Daichi and Suga were swamped. It's a wonder that they managed to show up at all.  
  Of course, they would never leave their baby birds behind.

  
  Asahi showed up when he could as well.  
He hadn't made it known, but he had made no plans for college, for moving away, for furthering his career--

  
His career?  
 _What_ career?

  
  He couldn't even _begin_ to imagine what useful skill sets he possessed, let alone how they would factor into a professional work environment.  
Could he put " _volleyball team ace_ " on his resume? Did that count? What did that even say about him as a person? What other positive traits could  
he _possibly_ posses?  
  


The only resume he was able to picture read something along the lines of;

 

 **Azumane Asahi**  
Karasuno High's Ex-Volleyball Ace  
Wing Spiker  
Very sensitive.  
Actively avoids confrontation.  
"Glass-hearted".  
Please handle with care.  
  


  These were the types of thoughts Asahi was plagued with daily. They might seem ridiculous and trivial to some, but to him they were just as  
important as the rest of his worries. Like how many hours was he getting at his convienience store job. What kind of people came in past midnight.  
Whether he was too intimidating-looking to work in a public setting. If he should just call in again tonight and stay home. Whether the "new" Karasuno  
would be better off without him.  


  He sighed heavily as he rolled over, glimpsing daylight's last rays of sun shining through the cracked window on the adjacent wall.  
He couldn't remember the last time he'd truly enjoyed the sight of a sunset... or a sunrise, for that matter.  
  
  
  There was something special about rising to greet the dawn of each day, and watching that same day draw to a close as dusk settled into night.  
Whatever that something might have been, though, Asahi had forgotten. He had probably left it back at Karasuno, along with whatever else it was  
that seemed to make the days worthwhile.

  
  Which reminded him, he was supposed to assist in practice today.

  
  He jumped, scrambling to find his cellphone to check the time. Maybe it wasn't that late, maybe it just looked later than it was, maybe he could still---  
  
  
 _ **Oh**_.

  
  His heart plummeted as he saw the screen illuminate to reveal the time.

  
  
  Practice had ended over an hour ago.  
  


  Asahi's features set into a morose frown as he stared down at the phone in his hand. How was that possible? How could he have forgotten? He specifically  
said he would be there _today_ to help out, to act as a blocker for spiking practice. They _needed_ him.  


  
.... _Right?_

  
  
  A sudden realization hit him so hard that he winced.  
  
  
  What if they _didn't_ need him?  
  
  
  Someone would have called him if they noticed his absence, wouldn't they? Someone would have stopped by to check on him by now, right?  
He hadn't spoken to anyone from the team in a couple days, sure, but he assumed that they remembered he was supposed to come. Why wouldn't they remember?  
Why wouldn't they call?

  
  
  He glanced over at the clock next to his bed to make sure, and, not able to accept the reality of it, checked the time on his phone once more.

  
 _**That's...** _

  
  
_**...That's alright**_ , he thought to himself. _Maybe they just didn't need me today.They probably didn't want to bother me._  
  


  He stretched out on the floor again, confident that that had to be the case, and deciding not to worry too much about it. He had to work in a couple hours,  
anyway. No sense in stressing himself out beforehand.  
  


  A cold, hollow feeling seemed to settle itself deep within Asahi's chest.  


* * *

  


   After hours of contemplation and sickening worry, Asahi was finally able to fall asleep at the exact time he was supposed to be arriving at work.  
  


  Luckily, he didn't live that far from the only 24-hour convenience store in town.  
It reminded him of the place that Ukai's family ran -- except significantly more intimidating, if possible.  
  


  Customers were a rarity between the hours of 11pm - 6am, so most of the work Asahi did during these hours was cleaning and store upkeep.  
He swept and re-swept the floor, organized and fronted the aisles, cleaned and refilled the coffee and beverage stations, and a number of other  
small and monotonous tasks that helped to pass the time.  
  
  
  Deliveries arrived at 7am, as did the morning work crowd, and by the time everything had settled down and the next shift worker had come in,  
it was nearly 9am.

  
  
  Asahi wasn't necessarily used to these hours, but he didn't exactly mind them, either. He had become a bit of an insomniac some time after graduation,  
and his racing thoughts and wasted time weren't doing him any favors as far as his future was concerned.

  
  
  That's what he kept telling himself, anyway.

  
  
  In truth, he had no idea what he was doing. Ever since the beginning of his third year, everyday stresses and interactions seemed to weigh far heavier on him  
than his peers.

  
  
  Some nights Asahi found himself dusting the displays at the store, thinking of every mistake he'd ever made, all at once.

  
  
Every time he missed the ball.  
Every time he let someone down.  
Every time he hurt someone.  
Every time he let himself be hurt.  


* * *

  


  The routine was always the same.

  
  
  After grabbing a cup of coffee -- black, bitter, burnt from being heated all night -- Asahi would make his way back home, blinking slowly, apathetically,  
at the mid-morning sun.

  
  
  Upon arriving he'd be greeted, as usual, with the stale silence of an empty apartment.  
He showered, changed out of his work clothes, and assume his spot on the floor, adjacent to the cracked window.  
  
  
  Lastly, as usual, he'd check his phone halfheartedly for messages -- today was different, though.

  
  
  He has gotten a text from Suga some time ago, asking about yesterday.The message of well-wishes that would usually send a smile spreading across  
Asahi's face, now filled him with dread, and the hollow feeling within his chest seemed to grow.

  
  
  He sighed heavily, thinking to himself,

  
  
 _**One day I won't feel like this.** _  
_**One day it'll stop hurting** _

  
_**One day...** _

  
**One day...**   


  Asahi couldn't stop the tears from streaming down his face.  
  
  
 ** _...One day I just won't care anymore._**

  
 **_I'll wake up, and all the weight of the world will have melted off my shoulders._ **

  
  It's been almost two months since graduation.

 

  He didn't know a glass heart could feel so heavy.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!!
> 
> I haven't written fanfic in quite a long time. Please be gentle. xo


End file.
